The first of many...

As promised, I'm going to start reviewing things of interest to me. So if they aren't of interest to you... too damn bad. Read another blog.

Considering that I work in a library and am currently in school to become a librarian, I think it goes without saying that I check out a lot of books. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my library card, and what better way to celebrate than to talk about a great new author I discovered at my library. Her name is Sonya Sones and she writes teen fiction. I heard about her book, What My Mother Doesn't Know, during one of my classes - it's on the American Library Association's list of the top 10 most frequently challenged and banned books in 2005. I made a mental note to read that book, but I ended up reading another book of hers first, called One Of Those Hideous Books Where The Mother Dies. Both were excellent! Totally predictable, yes, but really fun books to read. The first is about a high school freshman that falls in love, and the second is about a girl that goes to live with her movie star father after her mother dies.

What makes them special is that they are written in poems. It's almost like reading the diary of the main character, and the poems flow so well that you end up reading the book faster than you might normally have. I also read her first book, Stop Pretending, but didn't like it as much. It dealt with a much more serious topic (the main character is a young girl that must deal with her older sister having a mental breakdown), but it was obvious from the style of writing that it was a first book. The poems were choppy at times and the whole thing seemed to skip around too much. But it was still a good book, and a must-read if you become a fan of her other books. One Of Those Hideous Books Where The Mother Dies really hit home with me - not because of the mother-dying part, but because the girl was raised by a single mom, was an only child, and because I always secretly wished that my father actually cared about me, or thought about me, or that if something *shudder* happened to my mom, he would be right there to step in and be the father he never was. Fat chance of course, but it was always a nice thought. I actually cried a little at the end of this one, if that tells you anything. (Stop laughing!)

In any case, if you care at all about teen fiction, and if you're cool with reading a book written entirely in poems, give Sonya Sones a try. Her characters are realistic and fun, and the books are well-written and a quick read.


Speaking of library fun, I'm starting a photo set on Flickr where I post pictures of things I find at the library. I don't have much on there yet, but I find weird things all the time - I just need to remember to get pictures of them. I personally love the damaged book.

Vacation over

Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post. I've become one of those people that posts so infrequently that I have to apologize before I write anything. How depressing! In any case, my time off has been busy. But everytime I think about posting, I wonder what would be good enough to warrant a "comeback" post. And the longer I go, the less likely anything I can think of will be exciting or groundbreaking enough, so I just don't write anything.

Well, my friends, in the spirit of NaNoWriMo (of which I will be a participant this year), I'm going to continue writing meaningless posts just for the sake of writing them. And you will continue to read them! With vigor even! I also would like to write some reviews here, if anyone is interested in reading them. They would be reviews of books, CDs, movies, or anything else I have recently enjoyed (or hated!) that I'd want to share. Look for that soon - I've read some great books and listened to some really weird CDs lately that I'm dying to write about.

*This update brought to you by Ryan Garwood, the coolest engineer at Purdue that I've only met once (I think?)*

Fun linkage

I ran across some good links tonight, so I thought I'd share.

Apparently, Paramount has dropped Tom Cruise. What's even more humorous is that they don't even try to cover up why they did - they simply state that it was because of the way he's been acting lately. I used to like Tom Cruise a lot, and I have to admit that I really liked Mission Impossible 3, but anymore he just creeps me out. I'm glad they gave him the boot.

Then we find out that Paramount grabs up Trey and Matt - and that's where Erica gets really excited. Two live action films in the works? That's some great news!

Also, it looks like Brendan Fraser is going to be in a new movie called Inkheart, based off of a children's book series. Since I haven't read the books, I don't know much about the story or whether or not it'll be any good. And even though I love Brendan Fraser almost as much as Harrison Ford, he needs to get his act together and get in some better movies. I'm sick of watching movies that make me hurt on the inside just to see him on screen.

And lastly, before I hit the sack - Scientists claim they have now found direct proof of dark matter. Take that, Dr. Scholten! Actually, I need to read more about this. Could it be true? Sure seems to have a lot of people in an uproar.

Alright, enough for now. Thoughts? Comment 'em.

I thought I had to triple-click the red ones...

Some fun things to blog about today!

As a geeky librarian-to-be, I thought this was pretty cool.

OCLC, an organization near and dear to my heart, made it into the Onion. Whee! Now, if they would just hire me...

I've been reading a few blogs fairly consistently lately, mostly because Google Reader is the shit. Anyhow, I came across this T-shirt design, and a website called Threadless:

Also Sprach Miyamoto - Threadless, Best T-shirts Ever

You can rate T-shirt designs here, which are submitted by other users. If enough people like them, then they will be printed and available for purchase on the site. I'm really hoping this one is sold soon - I love it!

Also - was anyone else aware of the fact that Amazon sells engagement rings and bridal sets? They also sell sex toys, which are pretty damn funny to look through if you're bored. Be careful though, or else Amazon might start recommending them to you. Unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case you are a sick freak. Just kidding. ;)

Oh! I just remembered something from work today. Everyone got an email about this Management workshop that's being offered at OSU, and how those people new to management should attend. I hadn't even read the email when one of my coworkers ran up to me to show me her print-out of the email. It said: "Weather or not you are in a management position... " That's right, weather. And just last week I got an email from HR telling me to double-click on a hyperlink to take a stupid survey. Maybe I just take it for granted that you have to be smart to get a job in upper management. I guess I just expect people to know basic words like "whether" and that you don't have to double-click a hyperlink. Perhaps this is just too much to expect out of people.

(Disclaimer: I know that my grammar isn't perfect. But at least I have common sense. That counts for something.)

In any case, enjoy my links and please don't double-click them. Or I'll kill you. With a spoon.

I ain't no DOPA

Want to read something much more ridiculous than this blog? Check out the Hate Mail sent to Bobby Henderson concerning the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Pastafarianism in general:

The irony of people simultaneously telling Bobby that he should embrace the love and forgiveness of the Lord, and then telling him that he's going to rot in hell after they murder him is almost too much to bear. If you're looking for some entertainment, this is a one-stop shop. An all-you-can-eat buffett of idiocy, if you will.

Speaking of idiocy, has everyone heard about DOPA? It's already passed the House of Representatives - I'm worried it won't be challenged much in the Senate. I guess my love of libraries and of intellectual freedom makes me want to kick people in the nuts that support bills like this. MySpace didn't invent the online predator - it only invented poorly designed websites for kids with nothing else better to do than look at their friends' pages repeatedly until their eyes pop out. Oh, and to play a loud and annoying song anytime you view a page. That's just standard.

My point is, social networking sites (like MySpace) can either be fun or annoying, but not evil. People are evil. If we want to stop online predators, we need to teach our children to be wary of people they don't know who might want to talk to them on the internet. There are ways of hiding certain parts of your profile; people who aren't your "friend" shouldn't have access to that information. And for goodness' sakes, don't friend people you don't know, especially if you are under like, 16. Parents (yes, parents) need to start paying attention to what their kids like to do on the internet - not to stop them from enjoying it, but to help them understand the consequences of leaving yourself unprotected. It's the same thing as not talking to strangers... just because they are online, doesn't mean they are any less threatening.

I get so angry when people start blaming websites for their lack of parenting skills. My mother threatened my life when I started getting online - I knew that if I put any of my personal information out there, my mother would somehow magically find out and whip my ass. As a result, although I still IMed with some seriously creepy people (They contacted me first! I was trying to be nice!), I never, EVER gave out my full name or other personal information.

Sigh - I guess I'm just blowing smoke here. But let me assure you, it will be a sad day when libraries and schools are forced to ban perfectly harmless and potentially educational websites because of poorly written legislation that isn't going to stop the real problem.

Meanwhile, I'm going to go read more "Christian" hate mail, and decide which I dislike the most: DOPA or organized religion.

One more tidbit..

Of all the places in the world, this had to happen in Grove City, Ohio.

I guess I wasn't done with today's dose of crazy after all. Although this is more sad than anything else. Poor kitty. (Kitties?)

He won't be getting the Beer Volcano

First and foremost, I would like to thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for His gracious gifts of new Stargate episodes tonight. Also, I'm fairly sure that the re-runs of Firefly I caught on SciFi today were no accident. Thanks, buddy.

I have some interesting links for all of you Pastafarians out there. Start with this news article:

Note to self: Don't try to evade taxes by claiming that all my worldly possessions are really owned by God. The judge won't buy it. Maybe just plead insanity? (Not that it would be a stretch for ol' Dr. Dino or anything.)

Interested in learning more? Check out super awesome cool Dinosaur Adventure Land! Complete with rides, a "science" center, and museum! Come and have your children brainwashed! Fun for all ages!

But seriously, folks - there is a certain level of crazy that scares the crap out of me, and this is it. I have a feeling if this guy doesn't get thrown in jail, there's gonna be some people in a warehouse drinking "special" kool-aid. Yikes. I think the kicker for me was this particular quote, taken from the Dinosaur Adventure Land website:

In the "What you can do to help" section, in regards to several Dinosaur Adventure Land (DAL) buildings being closed:

"Donald Mayo, Escambia County building inspector has been invited to inspect the buildings many times and the Church has had two engineers and two electricians inspect them independently but that is not good enough for Mayo. He says the Church must get his permission to build in this county. He intends to keep the buildings closed by force and may even bulldoze them if the Church does not comply. He can also end this in 3 seconds by issuing a permit and certificate of occupancy in his own name or the name of the county and filing it in their files. He knows this but seems to have a personal vendetta against the work of the Lord here.

The County attorney Allison Rogers can stop this by simply dropping the case.

Sheriff Ron McNesby can simply refuse to help shut down the Lord’s Church. Hitler’s men should have refused his orders. George Bush told the Iraqi soldiers to refuse any orders to set oil wells on fire.

Judge Michael G. Allen can stop this in 3 seconds by rescinding his order.

God can stop this II Kings 1 style in zero seconds!"

Uhh, since when are we comparing people to Hitler?

Well, I think that's all the insanity I'm prepared to deal with today. Happy new Stargate episodes, everyone. May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Maybe her sister's name is India

I wanted to briefly share a great fuzzy memory:

When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
--Jack Handy

Doesn't that just make you feel wonderful?

Update: There have been no further incidents with my potential drug-dealing neighbors. In fact, they've been pretty quiet recently. My apartment, on the other hand, has been bustling with people lately. I guess now I'm the drug dealer of the neighborhood - sans drugs.

Also in my neighborhood is a little girl named Malaysia. For some reason, it's funny to me when her mom yells at her. "Malaysia, you get over here right now!"

What's this?

Oh look! A blog! Let me just blow the dust off it.. *cough* There we go! Good as new!

Seriously though, I haven't had much that's been blog-worthy as of late. So instead of just not posting, which is what I've been doing, I'll just post about things that come to my mind, in the order in which that happens. It'll be fun.

Read John Hodgman's blog, or I'll come to your house and tickle you! It'll be super annoying!

Look! A librarian's nightmare!

Futurama Returns!

My goal for this summer: Start (and keep up with) a podcast highlighting interesting and unique places to visit in central Ohio. (And if that isn't an oxymoron, I don't know what is.) It's a lofty goal, but I really want to get it going. Plus it'll give me an excuse to visit all those weird shops I see when I get lost going to class.

Oh yes, about that comic strip I was going to start - I'm still thinking about it, but I haven't scanned what I've done so far. I have some time off around July 4th, so maybe if I haven't blown off one of my hands with fireworks, I'll get started with that.

End long overdue transmission.

Cheesy Goodness in a Tub

I realize that it's been almost a month since my last post, and for that I apologize. But to my defense, I've been doing some research that will benefit this blog. For one thing, I have discovered the greatest snack food in existence: Cheez-Its. They are the perfect combination of cracker, fake cheese, and salt ever invented. They are good regardless if you are drunk or sober, in class or at work, in the bathtub or in a helicopter. Actually, I have yet to try the helicopter one, but I'll let you know when I do.

My next discovery has to do with digital cable and grills. You see, by aquiring both of these tools, you instantly become more popular. People can't wait to come over and hang out with you! All you need are some burgers or hot dogs, comfy seats in the living room, maybe some alcohol.. and you've got a party! Whee!

I've been thinking about starting a really bad web comic. I have a few preliminary sketches, so I'll get them on here soon. If anyone is reading this who might be offended by bad drawings, then too bad. You shouldn't be reading my blog anyway. I won't say what it's about, cause that'll ruin the fun. But I need a name for it, so whoever comes up with the best name will get to guest appear in the comic. I don't care if the name has anything to do with it whatsoever, so just think of something that sounds interesting. How's that for an exciting contest?

Soon I will be co-starring in a podcast, and hope to post the audio here for everyone. It will probably be more exciting than the comic, but not much. At the very least, don't hold your breath.

PS: I tried making pancakes with eggs, and they turned out terrible. I think the eggs are working against me.

Parable* of a Procrastinator

April Fool's Day has come and gone, and did I fool anyone? No. No big deal, right? Wrong. April Fool's Day is a sacred, holy day in which I come up with terrible schemes to torture the people I love, and I missed it. This is huge, people. Huge. One year during my pre-pubescent days, I both scalded my mother with hot water in the shower (gotta love the ol' toilet flush gag) and simultaneously convinced her that I had started my period early. Toilet humor at it's finest, my friends. Other times I did silly things, like make people think it was the wrong day; or that we had a test; or that I broke up with a boyfriend. But one fateful year, I did the unthinkable: I came up with a gag that I actually felt bad about doing. I had a friend call my then-boyfriend to tell him that I'd been in a car crash, and was in the hospital. Now, that's a very mean thing to do, and I realized that, so I gave my friend specific instructions that this was to be a short joke - as soon as he believed her she was to tell him it wasn't true. I didn't want him to have a heart attack, I just wanted him to be shocked for a second. Well, she let him believe I was critically injured in the hosipital for over a half hour, and managed to convince his entire family of the same thing - I'm pretty sure he was almost in tears before she told him the truth. Needless to say, my interest in the day took a steady drop after that, and although I've continued playing April Fool's Day pranks, my heart just isn't in them. Will I ever play a prank again? Signs point to yes. I was just lazy this year. But you can expect an onslaught next year, so be prepared.

In any case, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to share with you all a secret. A secret of epic proportions. A secret that could change your lives forever. What is it, you might wonder? It's the secret to my very being: How to be a Professional Procrastinator.

"But wait!" you might be asking, "Why are you giving away your secret so soon?" Well, my friends, I know that it takes years to master what I'm about to tell you. And by that time, I'll have retired, the aliens will have taken over, and I'll be free to eat eggless food products all day long... if I get to it.

First of all, to be a professional such as myself, you need to be completely aware of what's going on at all times. Forgetting to do something is just forgetting, not procrastination. Procrastination is when you know you have something to do, know exactly how to go about doing it, and don't until absolutely necessary. This is a hard concept to grasp, and some of you might not be able to do it. It's okay; I won't judge you. I could, but I just don't feel like it.

Step 1: Evaluate the situation. How long should this particular project take to complete? Be reasonable. Let's say you have an assignment that involves answering a certain number of questions. How much time will each question take to answer completely? Include time for writing up the results. This is critical to the process, so be as accurate as possible.

Step 2: Decide when to start the project. This is where the estimate comes in. If the project will take more than two days to complete, start it the night before. Anything less than that should be started the day of, no questions asked. If the project is due before 10am, then it should always be started the night before, unless you're experienced enough to handle waking up at odd hours and sleeping little or not at all until the project is completed. Another thing to take into consideration is printing - many papers and assignments must be printed out. Be prepared for every printer problem imaginable, and always have a friend in mind that would let you use their printer at the last minute.

Step 3: No project can be completed early. Any project completed more than an hour before its deadline has not been calculated properly, and is not considered procrastinated. In fact, I would discourage you from thinking too much about the project before you start it, because that ruins the fun.

Step 4: Don't brag. Sure, you just completed a project in 5 hours that other people spent the whole week on, but don't tell them about it. Let them think you spent all that time on it too, and definitely don't mention what happened in that show they missed last night while doing the project. Remember, they think you weren't watching TV. But if you do slip up, remember: it was a short study break and nothing more. Normal people take those, so they'll understand.

Step 5: Keep practicing! Pretty soon, you'll be able to complete projects quickly and accurately, and earn the admiration and respect of your peers. In time, you may be able to inspire them to do the same. Meanwhile, enjoy the rush of pride and satisfaction you feel when a project is completed minutes before the deadline. It's fabulous.

And now, I will leave you with two random thoughts:

1. If a restaurant has the word "roadhouse" in its name, does that inherently mean you can throw peanut shells on the floor?

2. I wonder what it was like to be the first dentist to realize that "dental" and "gentle" rhyme, and I wonder if he/she realized what implications that discovery had on the naming of dental offices everywhere. In fact, I kinda want to punch them in the face, because "gentle dental" is a freaking oxymoron. Moron.

*Not actually a parable. It just sounded cooler.

Ow, it hurts... it... hurts...

Sadly, I have little to update in terms of my drug-dealing neighbors. There are still bags in the tree, but I haven't noticed the porch light on much lately. Maybe the stock is running low, or the aliens already got to them. Maybe no news is good news.

Yesterday I was part of a conversation about movies that don't exist. That might seem like a waste of time, but I found out that is it very important to understand why these movies don't exist. If any of us were to mistakenly watch these non-existant films, we run the risk of being permanently scarred. That's no fun for anyone.

So, without further ado, here's my list of the Top 10 Movies That Don't Exist:

10. Highlander 2
9. The Matrix Revolutions
8. Crossroads
7. Manhunter
6. House of 1000 Corpses
5. The Neverending Story 2
4. Glitter
3. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Goes to Manhattan
2. The Land Before Time: Parts 2-Infinity
1. The Star Wars Holiday Special

If anyone knows of other non-existant films I forgot about, please mention them. We all need to be aware of what never to imagine that we've seen. Watching them (if they existed) would probably cause uncomfortable side-effects, such as severe headaches, nausea, blindness, extreme discomfort, suicidal tendencies, and explosive diarrhea. You've been warned.

Coffee Grounds and White Powder

For those of you that don't know, I've had a sneaking suspicion for some time now that my neighbors are drug dealers. Why? Well, they have people over - all of the time. Nobody's that popular, okay? I've met the woman that lives there and she's pretty nice, but she was almost too eager to get to know me. One day I was coming back from work, and she caught me at my front door saying, "I've been trying to get ahold of you, you must be really busy!" Of course, she never explained why she wanted to get ahold of me. Interesting. She was also quick to make sure I was okay with a party being held at her place - testing the waters, I think. Making sure I wouldn't rat her out.

I've also heard that throwing shoes up on wires is a sign that you can get drugs nearby (and a really funny prank). Anyone know anything about this? In any case, one day a few months ago a pair of shoes was dangling in the tree right in front of our door. (The neighbor's door and mine are right next to each other because of the way the apartmens are arranged.) Then once the shoes either fell or were removed by the prankee, a plastic bag was tied to the same branch. Now every few weeks, if the bag blows out of the tree, it's replaced right away with another one. Anyone see this as odd?

A friend told me to watch if her outside light is on when people come over. I've noticed it on a few times, even during the day. I'm still working on this one - the results are inconclusive.

Today, a police helicopter was flying very low, circling our apartment complex. Consequently, there has been loud banging and talking from my neighbors. Coincidence? Maybe they just have people over again, innocently having a good time. Or maybe they are hiding the goods, worried that the Feds know what they are up to. Either way, I'm intrigued.

More details as they become available.

Taken Over

Today I'm having one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. The day where nothing you say or do seems to be right. The day when you walk around, convinced you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your pants must be unzipped or something, because you feel perpetually embarrassed. That was my day, minus the toilet paper and zipper problems.

Let's take a look at my day in detail, shall we? *ahem*

I woke up late. Never a good start, really, but since I often sleep in, I've learned to be okay with my shortcomings in that area. I remembered that I had a test in my evening class, and had to take a class for work in the afternoon. I left for the work class late, getting there just in time, but no major problems yet. I forget to sign in - well, I didn't really forget so much as neglect to look for a sign-in sheet. Then I was told by one of the ladies in charge that I need a nametag - no problem there, except for how she said it:

"You need a nametag. You know, one of those things that you put your name on."

What? Am I in third grade? Do I look like Hellen f'ing Keller or something? I knew this was a bad start. The rest of the class, as expected, was a complete waste of my time. At least I'm getting paid for it. I left as soon as I could, but not after getting yelled at by a security guard for going through the wrong exit. Dear god. At this point I was flustered and ready to get the hell out of there. I was parked in a parking garage and had to pay to get out, so when I went to the booth, I gave the guy a $20 bill. He's like, "You don't have anything lower than this?" I didn't, and he gave me this look that said, "You just ruined my day." Yeah, well, sorry about your life, buddy - but count me some damn change out. (Don't worry, I didn't say that. I just waited.) Then after he gave me my change, he wouldn't let me leave until I confirmed that he was right. Probably a good idea, but I told him about three times that I watched him count it, and it was fine, and to let me leave now. It was like he was having a panic attack or something, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. By this point, the person behind me starts beeping, and I drove off, leaving the booth guy with his panic attack and my $20 bill to stew over.

Now I'm irritated, and hungry, and I want to get to my class so I can review before my test. I turn the wrong way, end up driving around in a big circle, and ran through 2 red lights. I start swearing and yelling at cars around me. Why can't they move faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to be, and I've somehow found myself in a parallel universe where exits are in the wrong places and making change for a $20 bill is like solving a differential equation?

I finally took the test and got done before everyone else. Of course, that meant about 20 minutes of sitting around, blindly looking over the answers until someone else got up first. I bolted out of there afterwards and came home. I'm sure, sometime during the test, I was saved from the parallel universe and returned to my current state. Had I not been saved in time, I would have surely gotten a papercut from the test, causing me to bleed for hours and lose consiousness on the drive home, killing some poor old woman with really cute grandchildren, giving them so much mental distress that they later commit suicide, ending all hopes of world peace as they were to grow up to be very influential world leaders - and ensuring the Earth's demise by alien invasion.

Maybe my day was an attempt by the aliens to start the process of world domination. I was drugged and sent to the parallel universe to screw things up for Earth. But some scientist figured this out, and got me back before all was lost. I thank you, sir, for your bravery. Maybe someone will give you an award - but probably not.


Ryan pointed out that I did not post my recipe, and I've been meaning to put it on here. Not posting it was certainly not part of my plan, because I'd like to encourage all of you to start using eggless recipes. If anyone has some good ones to share, please do!

Also, I found out why my eggless pancakes were so fluffy - it's the oil! Adding oil to the batter makes them fluffy, at least according to my grandfather. And since he taught me everything I know, and I know everything, it stands to reason that he's correct.

The Incredible Edible Eggless Pancake:

1 cup flour
1 cup milk
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp oil (for extra fluff)
1 tbsp applesauce (for extra tasty applesaucey-ness)
Fry in pan until a state of pancake is reached. Makes about six medium-sized pancakes. Serve with butter, syrup, or anything else that is not an egg.

Egg Revolution

Have you ever been in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to eat, and suddenly realize you don't have the ingredients to make anything? This happened to me tonight. In my fridge I had:

Cherry Kool-aid
Condiments (ketchup, mustard, ranch dressing, mayo)
Spaghetti sauce (no noodles)

Now, in my cupboard, I had:

Baking stuff (flour, baking powder, sugar, etc)
Maple syrup
Crab cake mix (don't ask)
1 can of vegetable soup

Sure, I could have eaten the soup, but that wouldn't have been any fun. Besides, I had the great idea to make pancakes. Surely, with the baking stuff I had and the syrup, this could only turn out awesome, right?

One little problem - NO EGGS.

Apparently, you need eggs to make pancakes. This has happened to me before; I've been all excited to make something and I realize I don't have any eggs. Sure, I could've went to the store, but why? Why should I have to give up time out of my day to buy eggs? Time that could be better spent eating, or fishing, or flying a kite for god's sake!

After searching for pancake recipes on the web for a while, I finally found one that would work. The ingredients called for an egg, sure, but it said the egg was optional. You're damn right it's optional. I went about making the pancakes as directed by the recipe, sans egg. I added some applesauce for flavor (and because I wanted to feel like a chef making some crazy concoction), fryed them up, and voila! Pancakes. And they tasted good, damnit, and they were fluffy! Fluffy and delicious!

I have now come to the conclusion that eggs should be optional in everything. Except when you are making scrambled eggs, or eggs over easy, or sunny-side up eggs. That's just a given. But cakes? Cookies? Those creepy raw egg energy shakes? I'm going egg-free. Who decided that eggs were a good thing to eat anyway? When, in history, did someone say, "Hmm, meat is good, but maybe I should try eating that round thing that came out of this animal's butt."

Eh, who am I kidding - eggs have too much of a stronghold on our society. Someday, when aliens come and take over, they are going to spread a disease through eggs that will make everyone serve them like little slaves. And when that happens, I'll be the one laughing at all your little drone asses while eating my wonderful egg-free pancakes. Yummy.

Time Travel

Last night I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. While there, I ordered a buffalo ranch chicken wrap, and changed the sauce from medium to spicy garlic. What I did not know was that I was about to have the best wrap ever. After I ate it, I had to sit and reflect on just how good it was. It was like the stars aligned last night, and the mixture of sauce and ranch with chicken and the perfect amount of shaved lettuce, tomato, and cheese produced some kind of drug-induced state in me. Simply amazing.

After snapping out of it, I starting talking about time travel with a friend. Let's think back to the first Terminator movie. (I haven't seen it in ages, so all you avid Terminator fans should forgive me for forgetting things, like names of characters.) Let's see. We have this Dude, that leads some sort of rebellion against the machines in the future. The Terminator is sent back in time to destroy the Dude's mother, thus causing the Dude to never have been born. Then the Dude sends his best friend back in time to protect his mother. The best friend helps the mother, knocks her up, and then dies (My friend reminded me that he dies, I forgot that part). So now the best friend is really the Dude's father, but is dead so he'll never see him again. Does that mean that this guy will still be born later in time and do the same thing? Or is he now, by doing that, erased from existence? Will there be a need for this to continue in a circular fashion throughout time?

Back to the future screwed me up too. Wouldn't you remember your former reality if it just got changed because of something that Marty and Doc did in the past? I guess I just can't get my head around that. I can't imagine knowing someone who goes back in time and changes things so that suddenly, I like the color yellow and the band Creed. Creepy.

I think the lesson here is that time travel would seriously screw things up. My friend had an idea to make a movie where the characters start in a time that is totally different from our own, go back in time and change things so they end up here, in our reality, where time travel isn't possible. That's probably the most feasable out of anything. Maybe that's what really happened... oooh.


I've been itching for some time now to create something. Other than a blog of stupid things, of course. I want to make something that people will remember me by. Like that kid who invented the glow-in-the-dark toilet seat - fucking genious. I tried as a kid to come up with some cool ideas, but nothing seemed to hit the mark.

My newest idea involves garbage bags. What do you do with the box they come in when you pull out the last bag? You probably throw the box into the bag. It just makes sense. Once you use all the bags, the box is now trash. So why not attach the box to the bag so that when you pull it out, the box is already inside of it automatically? The bag would probably have to be inside out for this to work properly. But I think I could make millions - nay, billions with this kind of idea.

Or maybe, just maybe, we could have self-destructing garbage bag boxes. They would blow up Inspector Gadget style once you pulled the last bag out ("This box will self destruct in 5 seconds"). It might cause a few injuries and/or deaths, but it would be totally worth it. Anything for our precious, precious environment.

Only you can help prevent cancer

Two things to mention today:

I was out and about earlier, driving into a large, busy parking lot, when what did I see? Two old people in an SUV driving across the parking lot. Now, in an empty parking lot with minimal traffic, no problem. But on a Saturday afternoon? I sped up so that I could be close to them when they passed me. They weren't looking, of course, and as they sailed by I layed on the horn. Maybe that was dumb, or futile, but I really hope it pissed them off. Stupid old people.

After the parking lot, I got to thinking about brain tumors. Every time I hear about someone with a brain tumor, they are always the star athelete, or the valedictorian, or a doctor, or just someone who was SO GOOD at everything they did... you get the idea. Well, I have a theory about this. One of two things is possible:

1. Dumb or poor people that get brain tumors don't get noticed. "Oh, you have a brain tumor? Serves you right, you fucking moron. Why don't you get a job, and maybe you could afford to get that fixed."

2. Brain tumors make people smarter.

My guess is option 2. I mean, come on, something is different about the brain of a smart person anyhow, we know that. Maybe the brain tumor affects the brain in more ways than we thought - maybe the tumor causes their brains to accelerate in growth and productivity, making the person smarter. But the brain can't function at that level for long, and sooner or later, it gives up and the person dies. It all makes perfect sense.

Of course there are smart people out there without brain tumors too, but watch out - maybe the reverse is true as well, and being super smart might cause a brain tumor to form. I think the real lesson here is that being really smart is bad for you. Just be mildly smart, or somewhat witty, and you'll be fine. For now.

Give me stickers or give me death!

I was watching Clean Sweep today on TLC (television for women who don't have husbands that beat them) and starting wondering whether or not I could endure being on a show like that. Not that I own a house, which is kind of a prerequisite, but I do qualify in every other way, being a life-long packrat and lacking any kind of decorating style. My idea of interior design is putting as many pictures and posters up on the wall as there's free wall space, and filling the rest of the room with little collectables, stuffed animals, and pillows. That works fine for me, but I have a feeling that Clean Sweep would have a heart attack over it.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't think I could ever be on a show like that. If I were on that show, my "keep" pile would be insanely large, and they would probably have to remove me kicking and screaming about how they want to throw my precious box of old stickers away. I will NEVER give up my box of stickers. Ever.

Besides, the show doesn't check up on those people in a few weeks or months later. What do you think has happened then? Old habits die hard, and I'm going to guess that 9 out of 10 go right back to the clutter. They just get more stuff and have no place for it, so they start piling it up again. At least I'm sure that's what would happen to me. Don't get me wrong, the room transformations on this show are quite good - unlike Trading Spaces, where it's anybody's guess how crappy the room might turn out if Hilde or Doug has a say in it.

Also, the carpenter on Clean Sweep looks like a child molester.

But I still like the show. I give it two coffees (no cream) and a 7up. Not a bad rating, really. Now, While You Were Out on the other hand - that's more like a cappuccino and a ginger ale, obviously a significantly better rating. And the carpenter is much better looking.

Ridiculolgy 101

This is my first attempt at a blog that doesn't have anything to do with my everyday thoughts and feelings ("Today I went to class... I slept."). You won't have the pleasure of stalking me here; for that, my friends, you must go to my Livejournal. All stalking is to take place there and only there, got it? Great.

So what am I going to talk about here? Anything, really. I want to use this blog to share with the world random things I hear or see. I'm not going to stick to any particular subject or format, but I'm hoping to entertain the two or three people that might actually read it. Maybe I'll include interesting links, stupid news, or funny pictures. Only time will tell. For now, you get to wait in anticipation of what I might post next. Or don't; whatever works for you is fine by me.

Ridiculology is of course a term I coined myself (crafty, ain't I?) and is, to the best of my knowledge, unique to me. It basically means the study of stupid things, of which I consider myself an expert. You may reference anything I write here as long as you give me proper credit and pay me $3.00 - I am an expert, after all.

So as long as we all go into this blog/reader relationship without expectations and with an open mind, I think we'll learn that love really is a gift from god. ::cough::