Egg Revolution

Have you ever been in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to eat, and suddenly realize you don't have the ingredients to make anything? This happened to me tonight. In my fridge I had:

Cherry Kool-aid
Condiments (ketchup, mustard, ranch dressing, mayo)
Spaghetti sauce (no noodles)

Now, in my cupboard, I had:

Baking stuff (flour, baking powder, sugar, etc)
Maple syrup
Crab cake mix (don't ask)
1 can of vegetable soup

Sure, I could have eaten the soup, but that wouldn't have been any fun. Besides, I had the great idea to make pancakes. Surely, with the baking stuff I had and the syrup, this could only turn out awesome, right?

One little problem - NO EGGS.

Apparently, you need eggs to make pancakes. This has happened to me before; I've been all excited to make something and I realize I don't have any eggs. Sure, I could've went to the store, but why? Why should I have to give up time out of my day to buy eggs? Time that could be better spent eating, or fishing, or flying a kite for god's sake!

After searching for pancake recipes on the web for a while, I finally found one that would work. The ingredients called for an egg, sure, but it said the egg was optional. You're damn right it's optional. I went about making the pancakes as directed by the recipe, sans egg. I added some applesauce for flavor (and because I wanted to feel like a chef making some crazy concoction), fryed them up, and voila! Pancakes. And they tasted good, damnit, and they were fluffy! Fluffy and delicious!

I have now come to the conclusion that eggs should be optional in everything. Except when you are making scrambled eggs, or eggs over easy, or sunny-side up eggs. That's just a given. But cakes? Cookies? Those creepy raw egg energy shakes? I'm going egg-free. Who decided that eggs were a good thing to eat anyway? When, in history, did someone say, "Hmm, meat is good, but maybe I should try eating that round thing that came out of this animal's butt."

Eh, who am I kidding - eggs have too much of a stronghold on our society. Someday, when aliens come and take over, they are going to spread a disease through eggs that will make everyone serve them like little slaves. And when that happens, I'll be the one laughing at all your little drone asses while eating my wonderful egg-free pancakes. Yummy.

Time Travel

Last night I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. While there, I ordered a buffalo ranch chicken wrap, and changed the sauce from medium to spicy garlic. What I did not know was that I was about to have the best wrap ever. After I ate it, I had to sit and reflect on just how good it was. It was like the stars aligned last night, and the mixture of sauce and ranch with chicken and the perfect amount of shaved lettuce, tomato, and cheese produced some kind of drug-induced state in me. Simply amazing.

After snapping out of it, I starting talking about time travel with a friend. Let's think back to the first Terminator movie. (I haven't seen it in ages, so all you avid Terminator fans should forgive me for forgetting things, like names of characters.) Let's see. We have this Dude, that leads some sort of rebellion against the machines in the future. The Terminator is sent back in time to destroy the Dude's mother, thus causing the Dude to never have been born. Then the Dude sends his best friend back in time to protect his mother. The best friend helps the mother, knocks her up, and then dies (My friend reminded me that he dies, I forgot that part). So now the best friend is really the Dude's father, but is dead so he'll never see him again. Does that mean that this guy will still be born later in time and do the same thing? Or is he now, by doing that, erased from existence? Will there be a need for this to continue in a circular fashion throughout time?

Back to the future screwed me up too. Wouldn't you remember your former reality if it just got changed because of something that Marty and Doc did in the past? I guess I just can't get my head around that. I can't imagine knowing someone who goes back in time and changes things so that suddenly, I like the color yellow and the band Creed. Creepy.

I think the lesson here is that time travel would seriously screw things up. My friend had an idea to make a movie where the characters start in a time that is totally different from our own, go back in time and change things so they end up here, in our reality, where time travel isn't possible. That's probably the most feasable out of anything. Maybe that's what really happened... oooh.


I've been itching for some time now to create something. Other than a blog of stupid things, of course. I want to make something that people will remember me by. Like that kid who invented the glow-in-the-dark toilet seat - fucking genious. I tried as a kid to come up with some cool ideas, but nothing seemed to hit the mark.

My newest idea involves garbage bags. What do you do with the box they come in when you pull out the last bag? You probably throw the box into the bag. It just makes sense. Once you use all the bags, the box is now trash. So why not attach the box to the bag so that when you pull it out, the box is already inside of it automatically? The bag would probably have to be inside out for this to work properly. But I think I could make millions - nay, billions with this kind of idea.

Or maybe, just maybe, we could have self-destructing garbage bag boxes. They would blow up Inspector Gadget style once you pulled the last bag out ("This box will self destruct in 5 seconds"). It might cause a few injuries and/or deaths, but it would be totally worth it. Anything for our precious, precious environment.

Only you can help prevent cancer

Two things to mention today:

I was out and about earlier, driving into a large, busy parking lot, when what did I see? Two old people in an SUV driving across the parking lot. Now, in an empty parking lot with minimal traffic, no problem. But on a Saturday afternoon? I sped up so that I could be close to them when they passed me. They weren't looking, of course, and as they sailed by I layed on the horn. Maybe that was dumb, or futile, but I really hope it pissed them off. Stupid old people.

After the parking lot, I got to thinking about brain tumors. Every time I hear about someone with a brain tumor, they are always the star athelete, or the valedictorian, or a doctor, or just someone who was SO GOOD at everything they did... you get the idea. Well, I have a theory about this. One of two things is possible:

1. Dumb or poor people that get brain tumors don't get noticed. "Oh, you have a brain tumor? Serves you right, you fucking moron. Why don't you get a job, and maybe you could afford to get that fixed."

2. Brain tumors make people smarter.

My guess is option 2. I mean, come on, something is different about the brain of a smart person anyhow, we know that. Maybe the brain tumor affects the brain in more ways than we thought - maybe the tumor causes their brains to accelerate in growth and productivity, making the person smarter. But the brain can't function at that level for long, and sooner or later, it gives up and the person dies. It all makes perfect sense.

Of course there are smart people out there without brain tumors too, but watch out - maybe the reverse is true as well, and being super smart might cause a brain tumor to form. I think the real lesson here is that being really smart is bad for you. Just be mildly smart, or somewhat witty, and you'll be fine. For now.

Give me stickers or give me death!

I was watching Clean Sweep today on TLC (television for women who don't have husbands that beat them) and starting wondering whether or not I could endure being on a show like that. Not that I own a house, which is kind of a prerequisite, but I do qualify in every other way, being a life-long packrat and lacking any kind of decorating style. My idea of interior design is putting as many pictures and posters up on the wall as there's free wall space, and filling the rest of the room with little collectables, stuffed animals, and pillows. That works fine for me, but I have a feeling that Clean Sweep would have a heart attack over it.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't think I could ever be on a show like that. If I were on that show, my "keep" pile would be insanely large, and they would probably have to remove me kicking and screaming about how they want to throw my precious box of old stickers away. I will NEVER give up my box of stickers. Ever.

Besides, the show doesn't check up on those people in a few weeks or months later. What do you think has happened then? Old habits die hard, and I'm going to guess that 9 out of 10 go right back to the clutter. They just get more stuff and have no place for it, so they start piling it up again. At least I'm sure that's what would happen to me. Don't get me wrong, the room transformations on this show are quite good - unlike Trading Spaces, where it's anybody's guess how crappy the room might turn out if Hilde or Doug has a say in it.

Also, the carpenter on Clean Sweep looks like a child molester.

But I still like the show. I give it two coffees (no cream) and a 7up. Not a bad rating, really. Now, While You Were Out on the other hand - that's more like a cappuccino and a ginger ale, obviously a significantly better rating. And the carpenter is much better looking.

Ridiculolgy 101

This is my first attempt at a blog that doesn't have anything to do with my everyday thoughts and feelings ("Today I went to class... I slept."). You won't have the pleasure of stalking me here; for that, my friends, you must go to my Livejournal. All stalking is to take place there and only there, got it? Great.

So what am I going to talk about here? Anything, really. I want to use this blog to share with the world random things I hear or see. I'm not going to stick to any particular subject or format, but I'm hoping to entertain the two or three people that might actually read it. Maybe I'll include interesting links, stupid news, or funny pictures. Only time will tell. For now, you get to wait in anticipation of what I might post next. Or don't; whatever works for you is fine by me.

Ridiculology is of course a term I coined myself (crafty, ain't I?) and is, to the best of my knowledge, unique to me. It basically means the study of stupid things, of which I consider myself an expert. You may reference anything I write here as long as you give me proper credit and pay me $3.00 - I am an expert, after all.

So as long as we all go into this blog/reader relationship without expectations and with an open mind, I think we'll learn that love really is a gift from god. ::cough::