Cheesy Goodness in a Tub

I realize that it's been almost a month since my last post, and for that I apologize. But to my defense, I've been doing some research that will benefit this blog. For one thing, I have discovered the greatest snack food in existence: Cheez-Its. They are the perfect combination of cracker, fake cheese, and salt ever invented. They are good regardless if you are drunk or sober, in class or at work, in the bathtub or in a helicopter. Actually, I have yet to try the helicopter one, but I'll let you know when I do.

My next discovery has to do with digital cable and grills. You see, by aquiring both of these tools, you instantly become more popular. People can't wait to come over and hang out with you! All you need are some burgers or hot dogs, comfy seats in the living room, maybe some alcohol.. and you've got a party! Whee!

I've been thinking about starting a really bad web comic. I have a few preliminary sketches, so I'll get them on here soon. If anyone is reading this who might be offended by bad drawings, then too bad. You shouldn't be reading my blog anyway. I won't say what it's about, cause that'll ruin the fun. But I need a name for it, so whoever comes up with the best name will get to guest appear in the comic. I don't care if the name has anything to do with it whatsoever, so just think of something that sounds interesting. How's that for an exciting contest?

Soon I will be co-starring in a podcast, and hope to post the audio here for everyone. It will probably be more exciting than the comic, but not much. At the very least, don't hold your breath.

PS: I tried making pancakes with eggs, and they turned out terrible. I think the eggs are working against me.

Parable* of a Procrastinator

April Fool's Day has come and gone, and did I fool anyone? No. No big deal, right? Wrong. April Fool's Day is a sacred, holy day in which I come up with terrible schemes to torture the people I love, and I missed it. This is huge, people. Huge. One year during my pre-pubescent days, I both scalded my mother with hot water in the shower (gotta love the ol' toilet flush gag) and simultaneously convinced her that I had started my period early. Toilet humor at it's finest, my friends. Other times I did silly things, like make people think it was the wrong day; or that we had a test; or that I broke up with a boyfriend. But one fateful year, I did the unthinkable: I came up with a gag that I actually felt bad about doing. I had a friend call my then-boyfriend to tell him that I'd been in a car crash, and was in the hospital. Now, that's a very mean thing to do, and I realized that, so I gave my friend specific instructions that this was to be a short joke - as soon as he believed her she was to tell him it wasn't true. I didn't want him to have a heart attack, I just wanted him to be shocked for a second. Well, she let him believe I was critically injured in the hosipital for over a half hour, and managed to convince his entire family of the same thing - I'm pretty sure he was almost in tears before she told him the truth. Needless to say, my interest in the day took a steady drop after that, and although I've continued playing April Fool's Day pranks, my heart just isn't in them. Will I ever play a prank again? Signs point to yes. I was just lazy this year. But you can expect an onslaught next year, so be prepared.

In any case, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to share with you all a secret. A secret of epic proportions. A secret that could change your lives forever. What is it, you might wonder? It's the secret to my very being: How to be a Professional Procrastinator.

"But wait!" you might be asking, "Why are you giving away your secret so soon?" Well, my friends, I know that it takes years to master what I'm about to tell you. And by that time, I'll have retired, the aliens will have taken over, and I'll be free to eat eggless food products all day long... if I get to it.

First of all, to be a professional such as myself, you need to be completely aware of what's going on at all times. Forgetting to do something is just forgetting, not procrastination. Procrastination is when you know you have something to do, know exactly how to go about doing it, and don't until absolutely necessary. This is a hard concept to grasp, and some of you might not be able to do it. It's okay; I won't judge you. I could, but I just don't feel like it.

Step 1: Evaluate the situation. How long should this particular project take to complete? Be reasonable. Let's say you have an assignment that involves answering a certain number of questions. How much time will each question take to answer completely? Include time for writing up the results. This is critical to the process, so be as accurate as possible.

Step 2: Decide when to start the project. This is where the estimate comes in. If the project will take more than two days to complete, start it the night before. Anything less than that should be started the day of, no questions asked. If the project is due before 10am, then it should always be started the night before, unless you're experienced enough to handle waking up at odd hours and sleeping little or not at all until the project is completed. Another thing to take into consideration is printing - many papers and assignments must be printed out. Be prepared for every printer problem imaginable, and always have a friend in mind that would let you use their printer at the last minute.

Step 3: No project can be completed early. Any project completed more than an hour before its deadline has not been calculated properly, and is not considered procrastinated. In fact, I would discourage you from thinking too much about the project before you start it, because that ruins the fun.

Step 4: Don't brag. Sure, you just completed a project in 5 hours that other people spent the whole week on, but don't tell them about it. Let them think you spent all that time on it too, and definitely don't mention what happened in that show they missed last night while doing the project. Remember, they think you weren't watching TV. But if you do slip up, remember: it was a short study break and nothing more. Normal people take those, so they'll understand.

Step 5: Keep practicing! Pretty soon, you'll be able to complete projects quickly and accurately, and earn the admiration and respect of your peers. In time, you may be able to inspire them to do the same. Meanwhile, enjoy the rush of pride and satisfaction you feel when a project is completed minutes before the deadline. It's fabulous.

And now, I will leave you with two random thoughts:

1. If a restaurant has the word "roadhouse" in its name, does that inherently mean you can throw peanut shells on the floor?

2. I wonder what it was like to be the first dentist to realize that "dental" and "gentle" rhyme, and I wonder if he/she realized what implications that discovery had on the naming of dental offices everywhere. In fact, I kinda want to punch them in the face, because "gentle dental" is a freaking oxymoron. Moron.

*Not actually a parable. It just sounded cooler.

Ow, it hurts... it... hurts...

Sadly, I have little to update in terms of my drug-dealing neighbors. There are still bags in the tree, but I haven't noticed the porch light on much lately. Maybe the stock is running low, or the aliens already got to them. Maybe no news is good news.

Yesterday I was part of a conversation about movies that don't exist. That might seem like a waste of time, but I found out that is it very important to understand why these movies don't exist. If any of us were to mistakenly watch these non-existant films, we run the risk of being permanently scarred. That's no fun for anyone.

So, without further ado, here's my list of the Top 10 Movies That Don't Exist:

10. Highlander 2
9. The Matrix Revolutions
8. Crossroads
7. Manhunter
6. House of 1000 Corpses
5. The Neverending Story 2
4. Glitter
3. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Goes to Manhattan
2. The Land Before Time: Parts 2-Infinity
1. The Star Wars Holiday Special

If anyone knows of other non-existant films I forgot about, please mention them. We all need to be aware of what never to imagine that we've seen. Watching them (if they existed) would probably cause uncomfortable side-effects, such as severe headaches, nausea, blindness, extreme discomfort, suicidal tendencies, and explosive diarrhea. You've been warned.

Coffee Grounds and White Powder

For those of you that don't know, I've had a sneaking suspicion for some time now that my neighbors are drug dealers. Why? Well, they have people over - all of the time. Nobody's that popular, okay? I've met the woman that lives there and she's pretty nice, but she was almost too eager to get to know me. One day I was coming back from work, and she caught me at my front door saying, "I've been trying to get ahold of you, you must be really busy!" Of course, she never explained why she wanted to get ahold of me. Interesting. She was also quick to make sure I was okay with a party being held at her place - testing the waters, I think. Making sure I wouldn't rat her out.

I've also heard that throwing shoes up on wires is a sign that you can get drugs nearby (and a really funny prank). Anyone know anything about this? In any case, one day a few months ago a pair of shoes was dangling in the tree right in front of our door. (The neighbor's door and mine are right next to each other because of the way the apartmens are arranged.) Then once the shoes either fell or were removed by the prankee, a plastic bag was tied to the same branch. Now every few weeks, if the bag blows out of the tree, it's replaced right away with another one. Anyone see this as odd?

A friend told me to watch if her outside light is on when people come over. I've noticed it on a few times, even during the day. I'm still working on this one - the results are inconclusive.

Today, a police helicopter was flying very low, circling our apartment complex. Consequently, there has been loud banging and talking from my neighbors. Coincidence? Maybe they just have people over again, innocently having a good time. Or maybe they are hiding the goods, worried that the Feds know what they are up to. Either way, I'm intrigued.

More details as they become available.

Taken Over

Today I'm having one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. The day where nothing you say or do seems to be right. The day when you walk around, convinced you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your pants must be unzipped or something, because you feel perpetually embarrassed. That was my day, minus the toilet paper and zipper problems.

Let's take a look at my day in detail, shall we? *ahem*

I woke up late. Never a good start, really, but since I often sleep in, I've learned to be okay with my shortcomings in that area. I remembered that I had a test in my evening class, and had to take a class for work in the afternoon. I left for the work class late, getting there just in time, but no major problems yet. I forget to sign in - well, I didn't really forget so much as neglect to look for a sign-in sheet. Then I was told by one of the ladies in charge that I need a nametag - no problem there, except for how she said it:

"You need a nametag. You know, one of those things that you put your name on."

What? Am I in third grade? Do I look like Hellen f'ing Keller or something? I knew this was a bad start. The rest of the class, as expected, was a complete waste of my time. At least I'm getting paid for it. I left as soon as I could, but not after getting yelled at by a security guard for going through the wrong exit. Dear god. At this point I was flustered and ready to get the hell out of there. I was parked in a parking garage and had to pay to get out, so when I went to the booth, I gave the guy a $20 bill. He's like, "You don't have anything lower than this?" I didn't, and he gave me this look that said, "You just ruined my day." Yeah, well, sorry about your life, buddy - but count me some damn change out. (Don't worry, I didn't say that. I just waited.) Then after he gave me my change, he wouldn't let me leave until I confirmed that he was right. Probably a good idea, but I told him about three times that I watched him count it, and it was fine, and to let me leave now. It was like he was having a panic attack or something, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. By this point, the person behind me starts beeping, and I drove off, leaving the booth guy with his panic attack and my $20 bill to stew over.

Now I'm irritated, and hungry, and I want to get to my class so I can review before my test. I turn the wrong way, end up driving around in a big circle, and ran through 2 red lights. I start swearing and yelling at cars around me. Why can't they move faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to be, and I've somehow found myself in a parallel universe where exits are in the wrong places and making change for a $20 bill is like solving a differential equation?

I finally took the test and got done before everyone else. Of course, that meant about 20 minutes of sitting around, blindly looking over the answers until someone else got up first. I bolted out of there afterwards and came home. I'm sure, sometime during the test, I was saved from the parallel universe and returned to my current state. Had I not been saved in time, I would have surely gotten a papercut from the test, causing me to bleed for hours and lose consiousness on the drive home, killing some poor old woman with really cute grandchildren, giving them so much mental distress that they later commit suicide, ending all hopes of world peace as they were to grow up to be very influential world leaders - and ensuring the Earth's demise by alien invasion.

Maybe my day was an attempt by the aliens to start the process of world domination. I was drugged and sent to the parallel universe to screw things up for Earth. But some scientist figured this out, and got me back before all was lost. I thank you, sir, for your bravery. Maybe someone will give you an award - but probably not.

Recipe-o-rama

Ryan pointed out that I did not post my recipe, and I've been meaning to put it on here. Not posting it was certainly not part of my plan, because I'd like to encourage all of you to start using eggless recipes. If anyone has some good ones to share, please do!

Also, I found out why my eggless pancakes were so fluffy - it's the oil! Adding oil to the batter makes them fluffy, at least according to my grandfather. And since he taught me everything I know, and I know everything, it stands to reason that he's correct.

The Incredible Edible Eggless Pancake:

1 cup flour
1 cup milk
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp oil (for extra fluff)
1 tbsp applesauce (for extra tasty applesaucey-ness)
Fry in pan until a state of pancake is reached. Makes about six medium-sized pancakes. Serve with butter, syrup, or anything else that is not an egg.

Egg Revolution

Have you ever been in the kitchen, trying to figure out what to eat, and suddenly realize you don't have the ingredients to make anything? This happened to me tonight. In my fridge I had:

Applesauce
Milk
Cherry Kool-aid
Beer
Bacon
Condiments (ketchup, mustard, ranch dressing, mayo)
Spaghetti sauce (no noodles)

Now, in my cupboard, I had:

Baking stuff (flour, baking powder, sugar, etc)
Maple syrup
Crab cake mix (don't ask)
1 can of vegetable soup
Rum

Sure, I could have eaten the soup, but that wouldn't have been any fun. Besides, I had the great idea to make pancakes. Surely, with the baking stuff I had and the syrup, this could only turn out awesome, right?

One little problem - NO EGGS.

Apparently, you need eggs to make pancakes. This has happened to me before; I've been all excited to make something and I realize I don't have any eggs. Sure, I could've went to the store, but why? Why should I have to give up time out of my day to buy eggs? Time that could be better spent eating, or fishing, or flying a kite for god's sake!

After searching for pancake recipes on the web for a while, I finally found one that would work. The ingredients called for an egg, sure, but it said the egg was optional. You're damn right it's optional. I went about making the pancakes as directed by the recipe, sans egg. I added some applesauce for flavor (and because I wanted to feel like a chef making some crazy concoction), fryed them up, and voila! Pancakes. And they tasted good, damnit, and they were fluffy! Fluffy and delicious!

I have now come to the conclusion that eggs should be optional in everything. Except when you are making scrambled eggs, or eggs over easy, or sunny-side up eggs. That's just a given. But cakes? Cookies? Those creepy raw egg energy shakes? I'm going egg-free. Who decided that eggs were a good thing to eat anyway? When, in history, did someone say, "Hmm, meat is good, but maybe I should try eating that round thing that came out of this animal's butt."

Eh, who am I kidding - eggs have too much of a stronghold on our society. Someday, when aliens come and take over, they are going to spread a disease through eggs that will make everyone serve them like little slaves. And when that happens, I'll be the one laughing at all your little drone asses while eating my wonderful egg-free pancakes. Yummy.

Time Travel

Last night I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. While there, I ordered a buffalo ranch chicken wrap, and changed the sauce from medium to spicy garlic. What I did not know was that I was about to have the best wrap ever. After I ate it, I had to sit and reflect on just how good it was. It was like the stars aligned last night, and the mixture of sauce and ranch with chicken and the perfect amount of shaved lettuce, tomato, and cheese produced some kind of drug-induced state in me. Simply amazing.

After snapping out of it, I starting talking about time travel with a friend. Let's think back to the first Terminator movie. (I haven't seen it in ages, so all you avid Terminator fans should forgive me for forgetting things, like names of characters.) Let's see. We have this Dude, that leads some sort of rebellion against the machines in the future. The Terminator is sent back in time to destroy the Dude's mother, thus causing the Dude to never have been born. Then the Dude sends his best friend back in time to protect his mother. The best friend helps the mother, knocks her up, and then dies (My friend reminded me that he dies, I forgot that part). So now the best friend is really the Dude's father, but is dead so he'll never see him again. Does that mean that this guy will still be born later in time and do the same thing? Or is he now, by doing that, erased from existence? Will there be a need for this to continue in a circular fashion throughout time?

Back to the future screwed me up too. Wouldn't you remember your former reality if it just got changed because of something that Marty and Doc did in the past? I guess I just can't get my head around that. I can't imagine knowing someone who goes back in time and changes things so that suddenly, I like the color yellow and the band Creed. Creepy.

I think the lesson here is that time travel would seriously screw things up. My friend had an idea to make a movie where the characters start in a time that is totally different from our own, go back in time and change things so they end up here, in our reality, where time travel isn't possible. That's probably the most feasable out of anything. Maybe that's what really happened... oooh.

Inventionitis

I've been itching for some time now to create something. Other than a blog of stupid things, of course. I want to make something that people will remember me by. Like that kid who invented the glow-in-the-dark toilet seat - fucking genious. I tried as a kid to come up with some cool ideas, but nothing seemed to hit the mark.

My newest idea involves garbage bags. What do you do with the box they come in when you pull out the last bag? You probably throw the box into the bag. It just makes sense. Once you use all the bags, the box is now trash. So why not attach the box to the bag so that when you pull it out, the box is already inside of it automatically? The bag would probably have to be inside out for this to work properly. But I think I could make millions - nay, billions with this kind of idea.

Or maybe, just maybe, we could have self-destructing garbage bag boxes. They would blow up Inspector Gadget style once you pulled the last bag out ("This box will self destruct in 5 seconds"). It might cause a few injuries and/or deaths, but it would be totally worth it. Anything for our precious, precious environment.

Only you can help prevent cancer

Two things to mention today:

I was out and about earlier, driving into a large, busy parking lot, when what did I see? Two old people in an SUV driving across the parking lot. Now, in an empty parking lot with minimal traffic, no problem. But on a Saturday afternoon? I sped up so that I could be close to them when they passed me. They weren't looking, of course, and as they sailed by I layed on the horn. Maybe that was dumb, or futile, but I really hope it pissed them off. Stupid old people.

After the parking lot, I got to thinking about brain tumors. Every time I hear about someone with a brain tumor, they are always the star athelete, or the valedictorian, or a doctor, or just someone who was SO GOOD at everything they did... you get the idea. Well, I have a theory about this. One of two things is possible:

1. Dumb or poor people that get brain tumors don't get noticed. "Oh, you have a brain tumor? Serves you right, you fucking moron. Why don't you get a job, and maybe you could afford to get that fixed."

2. Brain tumors make people smarter.

My guess is option 2. I mean, come on, something is different about the brain of a smart person anyhow, we know that. Maybe the brain tumor affects the brain in more ways than we thought - maybe the tumor causes their brains to accelerate in growth and productivity, making the person smarter. But the brain can't function at that level for long, and sooner or later, it gives up and the person dies. It all makes perfect sense.

Of course there are smart people out there without brain tumors too, but watch out - maybe the reverse is true as well, and being super smart might cause a brain tumor to form. I think the real lesson here is that being really smart is bad for you. Just be mildly smart, or somewhat witty, and you'll be fine. For now.

Give me stickers or give me death!

I was watching Clean Sweep today on TLC (television for women who don't have husbands that beat them) and starting wondering whether or not I could endure being on a show like that. Not that I own a house, which is kind of a prerequisite, but I do qualify in every other way, being a life-long packrat and lacking any kind of decorating style. My idea of interior design is putting as many pictures and posters up on the wall as there's free wall space, and filling the rest of the room with little collectables, stuffed animals, and pillows. That works fine for me, but I have a feeling that Clean Sweep would have a heart attack over it.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't think I could ever be on a show like that. If I were on that show, my "keep" pile would be insanely large, and they would probably have to remove me kicking and screaming about how they want to throw my precious box of old stickers away. I will NEVER give up my box of stickers. Ever.

Besides, the show doesn't check up on those people in a few weeks or months later. What do you think has happened then? Old habits die hard, and I'm going to guess that 9 out of 10 go right back to the clutter. They just get more stuff and have no place for it, so they start piling it up again. At least I'm sure that's what would happen to me. Don't get me wrong, the room transformations on this show are quite good - unlike Trading Spaces, where it's anybody's guess how crappy the room might turn out if Hilde or Doug has a say in it.

Also, the carpenter on Clean Sweep looks like a child molester.

But I still like the show. I give it two coffees (no cream) and a 7up. Not a bad rating, really. Now, While You Were Out on the other hand - that's more like a cappuccino and a ginger ale, obviously a significantly better rating. And the carpenter is much better looking.

Ridiculolgy 101

This is my first attempt at a blog that doesn't have anything to do with my everyday thoughts and feelings ("Today I went to class... I slept."). You won't have the pleasure of stalking me here; for that, my friends, you must go to my Livejournal. All stalking is to take place there and only there, got it? Great.

So what am I going to talk about here? Anything, really. I want to use this blog to share with the world random things I hear or see. I'm not going to stick to any particular subject or format, but I'm hoping to entertain the two or three people that might actually read it. Maybe I'll include interesting links, stupid news, or funny pictures. Only time will tell. For now, you get to wait in anticipation of what I might post next. Or don't; whatever works for you is fine by me.

Ridiculology is of course a term I coined myself (crafty, ain't I?) and is, to the best of my knowledge, unique to me. It basically means the study of stupid things, of which I consider myself an expert. You may reference anything I write here as long as you give me proper credit and pay me $3.00 - I am an expert, after all.

So as long as we all go into this blog/reader relationship without expectations and with an open mind, I think we'll learn that love really is a gift from god. ::cough::