Ow, it hurts... it... hurts...

Sadly, I have little to update in terms of my drug-dealing neighbors. There are still bags in the tree, but I haven't noticed the porch light on much lately. Maybe the stock is running low, or the aliens already got to them. Maybe no news is good news.

Yesterday I was part of a conversation about movies that don't exist. That might seem like a waste of time, but I found out that is it very important to understand why these movies don't exist. If any of us were to mistakenly watch these non-existant films, we run the risk of being permanently scarred. That's no fun for anyone.

So, without further ado, here's my list of the Top 10 Movies That Don't Exist:

10. Highlander 2
9. The Matrix Revolutions
8. Crossroads
7. Manhunter
6. House of 1000 Corpses
5. The Neverending Story 2
4. Glitter
3. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Goes to Manhattan
2. The Land Before Time: Parts 2-Infinity
1. The Star Wars Holiday Special

If anyone knows of other non-existant films I forgot about, please mention them. We all need to be aware of what never to imagine that we've seen. Watching them (if they existed) would probably cause uncomfortable side-effects, such as severe headaches, nausea, blindness, extreme discomfort, suicidal tendencies, and explosive diarrhea. You've been warned.

Coffee Grounds and White Powder

For those of you that don't know, I've had a sneaking suspicion for some time now that my neighbors are drug dealers. Why? Well, they have people over - all of the time. Nobody's that popular, okay? I've met the woman that lives there and she's pretty nice, but she was almost too eager to get to know me. One day I was coming back from work, and she caught me at my front door saying, "I've been trying to get ahold of you, you must be really busy!" Of course, she never explained why she wanted to get ahold of me. Interesting. She was also quick to make sure I was okay with a party being held at her place - testing the waters, I think. Making sure I wouldn't rat her out.

I've also heard that throwing shoes up on wires is a sign that you can get drugs nearby (and a really funny prank). Anyone know anything about this? In any case, one day a few months ago a pair of shoes was dangling in the tree right in front of our door. (The neighbor's door and mine are right next to each other because of the way the apartmens are arranged.) Then once the shoes either fell or were removed by the prankee, a plastic bag was tied to the same branch. Now every few weeks, if the bag blows out of the tree, it's replaced right away with another one. Anyone see this as odd?

A friend told me to watch if her outside light is on when people come over. I've noticed it on a few times, even during the day. I'm still working on this one - the results are inconclusive.

Today, a police helicopter was flying very low, circling our apartment complex. Consequently, there has been loud banging and talking from my neighbors. Coincidence? Maybe they just have people over again, innocently having a good time. Or maybe they are hiding the goods, worried that the Feds know what they are up to. Either way, I'm intrigued.

More details as they become available.

Taken Over

Today I'm having one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. The day where nothing you say or do seems to be right. The day when you walk around, convinced you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your pants must be unzipped or something, because you feel perpetually embarrassed. That was my day, minus the toilet paper and zipper problems.

Let's take a look at my day in detail, shall we? *ahem*

I woke up late. Never a good start, really, but since I often sleep in, I've learned to be okay with my shortcomings in that area. I remembered that I had a test in my evening class, and had to take a class for work in the afternoon. I left for the work class late, getting there just in time, but no major problems yet. I forget to sign in - well, I didn't really forget so much as neglect to look for a sign-in sheet. Then I was told by one of the ladies in charge that I need a nametag - no problem there, except for how she said it:

"You need a nametag. You know, one of those things that you put your name on."

What? Am I in third grade? Do I look like Hellen f'ing Keller or something? I knew this was a bad start. The rest of the class, as expected, was a complete waste of my time. At least I'm getting paid for it. I left as soon as I could, but not after getting yelled at by a security guard for going through the wrong exit. Dear god. At this point I was flustered and ready to get the hell out of there. I was parked in a parking garage and had to pay to get out, so when I went to the booth, I gave the guy a $20 bill. He's like, "You don't have anything lower than this?" I didn't, and he gave me this look that said, "You just ruined my day." Yeah, well, sorry about your life, buddy - but count me some damn change out. (Don't worry, I didn't say that. I just waited.) Then after he gave me my change, he wouldn't let me leave until I confirmed that he was right. Probably a good idea, but I told him about three times that I watched him count it, and it was fine, and to let me leave now. It was like he was having a panic attack or something, and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. By this point, the person behind me starts beeping, and I drove off, leaving the booth guy with his panic attack and my $20 bill to stew over.

Now I'm irritated, and hungry, and I want to get to my class so I can review before my test. I turn the wrong way, end up driving around in a big circle, and ran through 2 red lights. I start swearing and yelling at cars around me. Why can't they move faster? Don't they know I have somewhere to be, and I've somehow found myself in a parallel universe where exits are in the wrong places and making change for a $20 bill is like solving a differential equation?

I finally took the test and got done before everyone else. Of course, that meant about 20 minutes of sitting around, blindly looking over the answers until someone else got up first. I bolted out of there afterwards and came home. I'm sure, sometime during the test, I was saved from the parallel universe and returned to my current state. Had I not been saved in time, I would have surely gotten a papercut from the test, causing me to bleed for hours and lose consiousness on the drive home, killing some poor old woman with really cute grandchildren, giving them so much mental distress that they later commit suicide, ending all hopes of world peace as they were to grow up to be very influential world leaders - and ensuring the Earth's demise by alien invasion.

Maybe my day was an attempt by the aliens to start the process of world domination. I was drugged and sent to the parallel universe to screw things up for Earth. But some scientist figured this out, and got me back before all was lost. I thank you, sir, for your bravery. Maybe someone will give you an award - but probably not.


Ryan pointed out that I did not post my recipe, and I've been meaning to put it on here. Not posting it was certainly not part of my plan, because I'd like to encourage all of you to start using eggless recipes. If anyone has some good ones to share, please do!

Also, I found out why my eggless pancakes were so fluffy - it's the oil! Adding oil to the batter makes them fluffy, at least according to my grandfather. And since he taught me everything I know, and I know everything, it stands to reason that he's correct.

The Incredible Edible Eggless Pancake:

1 cup flour
1 cup milk
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp oil (for extra fluff)
1 tbsp applesauce (for extra tasty applesaucey-ness)
Fry in pan until a state of pancake is reached. Makes about six medium-sized pancakes. Serve with butter, syrup, or anything else that is not an egg.